If you plan on watching the MTV Movie Awards tonight DROP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW AND READ THIS. If I were you (and who knows I could be!) I wouldn’t DARE watch the show without printing out your very own copy of my Nomination Guide to Nominations. I took the liberty of compiling a list of the likely categories and nominees for the entire show. Simply find the person or movie you think will win then circle it, or check it off, or scrawl the choice across your wall in blood.

Movie of the Year:

• “Django Unchained”
• “Silver Linings Playbook”
• “Ted”
• “Marvel’s The Avengers”
• “The Dark Knight Rises and then kinda lags in the middle, and then rises again”

Best Platonic Friendship

• “Daniel Craig and Madam Judi Dench” – “Skyfall”
• “Bradley Cooper and Chris Tucker” – “Silver Linings Playbook”
• “Mark Wahlberg and Seth MacFarlane as Ted” – “Ted”
• “John Mayer and The Situation” – “My Nightmares”

Best Overreaction to Obama Winning the Election:

• “Donald Trump” – “our nation is a once great nation divided” and “the world is laughing at us.”
• “Karl Rove” – “I’d be very cautious about intruding into the process [of calling the election that was mathematically already over]”
• “That guy from high school you are friends with on facebook” – “Well, America is gone. I hope you are happy, liberals.”

Best Accidentally Racist Song about racism:

• “Brad Paisley and LL Cool J” – “Accidental Racist“

Best Worst Spoof Movie:

• “InAPPropriate Comedy”
• “Scary Movie 5”
• “Haunted House”
• “The Host”

Best M. Night Shyamalan Twist in a non-Shyamalan movie:

• “Side Effects”
• “Cabin in the Woods”
• “Killing Them Softly”
• “Prometheus”

Most Offensive Movie:

• “InAPPropriate Comedy”
• “Ted”
• “House at the End of the Street”
• “Crash (9th consecutive year nominated)”
• “Twilight”
• “John Mayer and The Situation”

I have all of my picks already made. I hope I win my office pool!