Now that Kate, that consummate “royal” did her job and delivered a son to England (If you needed one so bad, England, here take mine! Hahaha no, I kid. I have no children. My wife is barren and it’s tearing our marriage apart.), the question on everyone’s mind is: “What position is the new #royal #baby at in line to the thrown?” or if you’re Prince Charles: “Why won’t you die, Mother! WHY!”
The rules to Succession are archaic and byzantine so allow me to explain it as simply as possible.
First up we have Prince Charles, the current Queen’s son:
Prince Charles has been the longest serving “Heir Apparent” in history, which is not a title most Princes would relish, but Charles has handled this fact with grace and humility and only two known regicide attempts (both after watching episodes of Game of Thrones).
Then we have Prince William, Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s first born:
Prince William, was married off to Kate Middleton in order to seal a peace treaty between England and island nation of TMZ.com. By all accounts, it is a loveless marriage.
Then we have Prince William and Kate’s son:
The name of whom is so far unknown (but a diplomat from the TMZ.com consulate is reporting it is to be named “Chaz”). If a meteor strikes Buckingham palace today, killing everyone save for an infant child whose royal cries lead rescuers to him, he will be the youngest king is probably like 200 years or something. That would be crazy. He’s so young, how could he lead a nation symbolically?
After Prince Chaz, we have Prince William’s brother, Prince Harry:
Nicknamed “The Boy Who Lived” by the media and some stupid mommy bloggers, Prince Harry has had a few controversies in his time. First, photos of him posing nude in Las Vegas surfaced and then the already reeling nation learned that he was red headed. But since then, he has recovered gracefully, even earning the title “the Wizard of Menlo Park” because of the uncanny way he can light up a room and because he knows one card trick and demonstrates it at every party he goes to.
Should all four of those mentioned above die or abdicate, the crown would pass onto Prince Charles’ younger brother, Prince Blanket Jackson:
Although technically Michael Jackson’s son, Prince Blanket Jackson has Prince in his name and is therefore legally and traditionally in the line of succession to the English throne. If readers at this point are calling foul, might I remind them that who are we to question this time honored tradition? We just don’t “get it”, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to relieve ourselves of our ignorance. Some of England’s greatest Princes have been not of royal blood but simply named prince (Freddie Prince Jr.), or king (BB King), or Duke (John Wayne). That’s the way it has always been and everyone just keep calm and carry on. Keep calm…and carry on… Hmmm, that should be a slogan for something. It’s so catchy, I could see it being turned into a shitty meme and done to death. Somebody should do that.
Next up, we have Richard the Lionheart:
This one comes with a bit of a qualifier. Richard the Lionheart can ONLY be king if he A) returns from Jerusalem where he has been fighting in the Crusades for 800 years and B) he is somehow still alive after 800 years. If those two conditions are met, he will technically be King of England as we speak. Queen Elizabeth II will, of course, have to be quietly killed after a short stay in the Tower of London in order to prevent a possible coup.
Finally, we have hapless, unpopular American teenager Janie Thompson:
Knowing NOTHING of English royal life or even how to rub elbows with high society, awkward and unpopular Janie Thompson must learn quickly if she is to ever be ready to take the throne. Not only will she learn to walk and talk like a Princess, but she’ll learn to smile and wave, too. And hey, maybe she’ll just teach these posh Brits a few things about what makes America great too (Cut to: Pizza Bagels popping out of the oven of a confused Royal Chef’s kitchen, Janie rollerblades by grabbing the plate while listening to Cyndi Lauper on her walkman.)