Hey nostalgiaholics! Remember the 90s? Boy I sure do! Well guess what? Now you can too with Buzzfeed’s latest offering: NostalgiaStream ™. If you’re like me, then you are tired of the boring old formula: pictures, words, pictures, words, YUK! Well, I don’t know if you realized but it’s the future now and we don’t have to content ourselves with dumb old words and pictures. We’re entitled to more!
Because I was interested in helping Buzzfeed change the world, and because I was being investigated by the IRS for unpaid taxes, I decided to answer an ad for a 90s child. “Hey, I was alive in the 90s” I said, that could be me!
When I got to the Buzzfeed labs, snuggled in between a sleepy, New Hampshire town and an island outcropping in the shape of a skull, I was super stoked.
But first, I needed to be thoroughly vetted. They said they had to make sure I was up to the “Buzzfeed quality” readers have come to expect from Buzzfeed ™! After signing waiver after waiver they led me to a room where they taped my eyes open and exposed me to 90s sitcom after 90s sitcom. Sufficiently convinced that as a child I didn’t get out much and therefore ingested many of these bits of 90s pop culture, they hooked me up to “The NostalgiaStream”, after they untaped my eyelids of course haha! Then it was up to me. I simply remembered my childhood and they recorded the memories via a central computer nicknamed “MAL” (and 90 90s point if you get the reference, dude!).
Here’s where you come in. Say, you’re a late 90s kid, maybe born in 1995, and therefore missed most of the totally awesome pop culture that we had in the 90s? What are you going to do cry about it, spaz? No way! Just sign up for Buzzfeed’s NostalgiaStream ™ and don your NSgoggles made to look like a Nintendo VirtualBoy (and give yourselves 90 more 90s points if you get the reference, kemosabe). You’re now entering the 90s! Or at least the 90s from MY perspective, or one of hundreds of others that Buzzfeed and MAL have painstakingly recorded for your pleasure.
From now on, you’ll have the utopian experience of having grown up during the Clinton years! You’ll never have to wonder what it was like to put a bandaid on Stretch Armstrong’s arm and see his skin heal! Or what it was like to unironically want a car phone so bad that you’d kill your neighbor Greg for one (allegedly!). Or Salute your shorts! Or Hey Dude! Or Rugrats! Interrupted by the commercial for Sears Air Conditioning with actors that are probably like 15 years older now! Or swatches! Or Don’t Wake Daddy!!!!!!!!!! I’M FREAKING OUT AHHHHHH 90s!
But wait? Are you even YOUNGER than that? How embarrassing. But don’t worry, for a small price you can buy the five year expansion pack, taking you from Y2K to Outkast’s “Hey Ya”, more like heck ya! You’ll experience LIVE performances by “Al Gore winning the popular vote and still losing the election”, “September 11th at school”, “Ally McBeal dancing baby”, “Family Guy before it was cancelled”, “Razor Scooters”!
Buzzfeed has always been your source for unfiltered, unapologetic, shameless 90s drivel, so why not make the leap to NostalgiaStream ™ where my reality becomes YOUR reality. Can I get a cowabunga, dude?