In a feverish dream where I wrestled with demons and, for some reason, my dad was like there and I was nude and could fly but then I was in my house, but like it wasn’t my real house, you know? In that feverish state, I was visited by the ghost of Nostradamus and he showed me the future and it consisted entirely of TMZ.com headlines for the future deaths of celebrities. Here is what I saw:
Jonah Hill dead, eaten by pet snake (not his)
Last words: “I got him to the Greek, didn’t I papa?” You did, Jonah. You did.
PSY, shot dead while crossing the North/South Korean DMZ
Last words: “Gangnam Style had the most views of any Youtube video for a while!” – Said while running unarmed straight towards North Korea
Amanda Bynes, murdered! Drake in custody
Last words: “No, I said murder my vagina idiot!”
Donald Trump, dead, clutching a gold bar like he could take it with him
Last words: “All you doctors are losers! How many hit TV shows have you had? Zero. You’re haters and losers!”
Zooey Deschanel, dead from heartbreak
Last words: “If Jameson, writer and owner of Jamesonstarship blog, can’t have me. No one will!” said while being bitten by a poisonous asp. That’s so Zooey.
Jameson, writer and owner of Jamesonstarship blog, found dead
Last words: “Rose bud” Really? I leave this Earth, having used up my one and only life and make a contrived, dumb “Citizen Kane” joke? At least I died surrounded by cats. Well not so much surrounded as being eaten alive by, but after they chew through the spinal cord, it’s relatively painless.