Whatever Happened to the Art of Seduction? (A rhetorical question)

Love ? I love love love you.

(Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Dear Melissa (Melanie?),

First of all, I would like to thank you for a wonderful night. Overall, I had a wonderful time. However, I thought I should write you this letter as a bit of explanation for my apparent careless behavior this morning. I am well aware that a man slipping out quietly before dawn with only vague excuses is one of the tent pole clichés that romantic comedies are built upon but you must believe that I was being sincere. My cat, as I mentioned earlier last night, has a very finicky stomach and any deviation from her strict diet leaves her feeling sick and anxious. It was therefore imperative that I fed her promptly at 8 AM as is her custom. By the time I stopped and got gas and got home it was nearly 8, and I daresay I just made it. I hope that you will forgive me for my apparently lame (but as I explained above, completely legitimate) excuse.

Sincerely,
Jameson

Dear Jameson,

I appreciate you writing me (and on such short notice!) and formally laying out your excuse on paper so that I could show it to my friends for their amusement. You see, I had the hardest time convincing them that an excuse such as yours was realistically possible. As a woman of natural beauty I, of course, don’t get very many excuses so yours was a special treat. Your letter also had the tertiary effect of proving once and for all that I am a generous soul. Indeed, no one could deny that even talking to you in the most mundane circumstances would be below most women of my level, and here I am, giving you a taste of what must have surely been for you a once in a life time fruit.

Sincerely,
Marissa

Dear Marissa,

I read your letter with the same type of growing pity and deepening sadness normally reserved for the obituaries. I find it the height of irony that you have suggested that you are a generous soul when it was abundantly clear on the night previous who gave more to whom. To say that the foreplay was asymmetrical would be an understatement. While it is to be expected that a woman of your obvious ego should expect more than she gives, to suggest that you did anything to pull your weight could be considered something akin to perjury. On that same note, I will have you know that while I am the first one to admit that I may not be a “ladies man” in the classical sense, I have it from reliable sources that I am more than capable of holding my own in the bedroom. Unfortunately, the nickname “pleasure island” never took but for several months it appeared as if it might. I can only speculate as to what you can say to that. The facts, laid bare, speak for themselves.

Sincerely,
Jameson

Dear Jameson,

I’m not quite sure what the world looks like in the persistent delusion that you call reality but I can tell you it’s far from the real world. Did it never once occur to you that the only reason I held back was because of concern for you? For the same reason a starving man will eat until his stomach bursts, I could not allow my full sexuality unleashed on such a naïve and unsuspecting victim. Had the liquor not depressed my normally quite active prefrontal cortex, I would have prevented you from even getting a good look at me for fear of heart failure. It was practically criminal negligence on my part and for that I am sorry. Furthermore, I must say that whoever your informants may be, it appears you have been misguided. Not once did I get the sense that I was making love to a man worthy of the name “pleasure island”. Although I did appear to be enjoy it I should inform you that I have experience acting on a professional level having been cast in several off Broadway plays over the years. For my part, you did get – however briefly you lasted – a certain sense of why past lovers have referred to me as “wonder woman”.

Sincerely,
Marissa

Dear Marissa,

If that was indeed acting, then I must say bravo. Having been to several off Broadway plays I can safely tell you that you deserve a standing ovation. Sadly, I must also inform you that I too was acting. Having paid my way through college doing improv, I am expertly trained to act my way out of any situation (no matter how difficult). When I saw that you were incapable of producing anything approaching a satisfying experience, I fell back on my old acting coach’s mantra, “give ‘em what they want”. I apologize for not telling you earlier but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, you see, I too was once an amateur and I know how hard it can be to build confidence at such a tenuous period in ones sexual life. People need to be built up NOT torn down. Fortunately, we all get passed it at one time or another (although, for some it is most certainly the latter). I’m tempted to ask you out to dinner again as a tax write off. Charity is everything to me.

Yours truly,
Jameson

Dear Jameson,

HA! I can only assume Charity is the stripper you paid to call you “pleasure island”. I doubt they would let you out of the mental institution long enough to take me out to dinner but if you ever agree to take your medications, and you get written permission from your psychiatrist, I would love to accompany you to dinner. I have been feeling a bit of a cold coming on and you know what they say, “laughter is the best medicine”. But before you even think it (wishful thinking can be a powerful drug so I want to be explicit here), this is not a “date”. Not in the traditional sense. Not in any sense. We must not be seen together. I have over the years garnered a certain reputation around town as a “rising star” and I would hate to have my picture wind up in the Town and Gown under the smear column. It’s not your fault, I think the way they judge people on their looks is contemptible and shallow but c’est la vie.

Hugs,
Marissa

Dear Marissa,

I hate you, but I am looking forward to our date. Is Friday at 7 ok?

XOXO,
Jameson

Dear Jameson,

That’s perfect, even if your personality is not.

Love,
Marissa

Dear Marissa,

Love?

Jameson

Dear Jameson,

Mistype.

Marissa

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. Pingback: The Pickup Artist Show Review | Venusian Arts Blog
  2. Pingback: Pickup Artist Nlp | Pickup 101 Game

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s