A plea to the makers of “My First Troll”

To: Childhood Robotics, Inc.
From: Jerry Feingold
Subject: My First Troll

Dear Childhood Robotics, Inc.,

Recently, I purchased one of your brand new “My first troll” doll for my son, Jasper and I am NOT pleased. Sure, at first the doll, who, according to his tag, is named “urmom69” for some stupid reason, was fun. We were all cracking up when we opened the box, popped in the two AA batteries and turned him on. He was a real firecracker and we enjoyed his ability to “tell it like it is.” It was like we were the guest of honor at one of those Comedy Central roasts, and urmom69 was the roastmaster. But, unfortunately, he didn’t know when to stop! It was funny up until he started targeting my wife’s infertility. That should be OUT OF BOUNDS. I don’t know what you were thinking making a doll like this! I don’t know how he figure it out but my son Jasper didn’t need to know he was adopted. We were waiting until he was much older and emotionally ready for that talk. I can hear him crying upstairs as I write this. His sobs are drowned out only by my wife’s who has locked herself in our bedroom and is herself crying. I didn’t want ANY of this.

Even now I can hear him cackling in the living room and making vulgar, awful references about what my wife and I do in the privacy of our bedroom that is disgusting and completely untrue. What’s worse, your doll hasn’t SHUT UP since we turned him on. He just keeps going and going. Even when I’ve proven PROVEN that something he said was groundless he just repeats “u mad” in a loop over and over, cackling as ever. “U mad” isn’t even a SENTENCE. And you know what? I AM MAD. OF COURSE I’M MAD.

Also, it’s really rude of your company to lie about the batteries. Why require them when even when you take them out he still keeps going? I don’t know what kind of mad geniuses you have working for you at Childhood Robots Inc., but what kind of robot doesn’t require an energy source? How do I get him to stop?

I am at my last straw. Living with this troll doll has become UNBEARABLE. Nobody likes him. Nobody talks to him. And yet he keeps going. He doesn’t take a hint. I regret purchasing him and I blame your commercials for making him seem like so much fun. I don’t think urmom69 could be LESS fun.

If I’m being completely honest, the infertility thing has been a stress on my relationship with my wife. She thinks I blame her for not having a child of our own and, although I would never admit this to her, she isn’t wrong. Our marriage is dissolving in front of my eyes and I can’t seem to stop it. I can’t confide in anyone and I’m so alone. My son now hates me and insists I take him to his “real parents”, even though I’ve explained to him that that isn’t an option and that we ARE his real parents in every sense but biological. Last night, I caught him torturing a small animal. Please, take your doll back or tell me what to do. I’m so completely alone right now. Please help me!

Sincerely,

Jerry

 

To: Jerry Feingold
From: Childhood Robotics, Inc.
Subject: re: My First Troll

Cranked!!!!!!! XFD LMAO

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