Updated classic jokes to tell at parties


A lot of my time is spent at parties (it isn’t, like almost never at all) so I know how hard it can be to break the ice and meet new people. A lot of the self help books I read tell me I should always have a few jokes up my sleeve which can instantly endear me to the people I’m trying to impress. The problem is, I’m not spontaneously funny (I am, but I could imagine not being so)! The first thing I did was purchased several joke books to memorize, because nothing says “watch out, we’ve got a real firecracker in the house!” like a person who has read and memorized a joke book that he got at a garage sale.

Unfortunately, I’ve come to realize that the jokes held within these books are NOT having the desired effect. Instead of being surrounded by adoring fans, I usually end up lurking in a corner while the guys and girls with “personality” or “interesting stories” get all the attention. It’s bull crap! So I’ve taken it upon my self to modernize the classic jokes. THESE AREN’T YOUR FATHER’S JOKES. (That would be a great joke, feel free to use it.)

Old Joke: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Punchline: “To get to the other side”

Updated Punchline: “Because the other side of the road had a better WIFI signal.”


Old Joke: “What is black and white and red all over?”

Punchline: “The newspaper.”

Updated Punchline: “The Associated Press mobile app for iPhone and Droid smartphones.”


Old Joke: “Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Punchline: “Because 7 ate 9”

Updated Punchline: “Because 7 ate 9 doubledowns and chased it down with a can of 4 lokos”


Old Joke: “What time is it?”

Punchline: “Time for you to get a watch.”

Updated Punchline: “Do you need to borrow my iPhone charger?”


Old Joke: “A guy walks into a bar…”

Punchline: “…and says ‘ouch’.’

Updated punchline: “…and writes a scathing review on Yelp”


Old Joke: “What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?”

Punchline: “A bah-hum bug.”

Updated Punchline: “They are doing this in a NSF funded lab at MIT.”


Old Joke: “What washes up on tiny beaches?”

Punchline: “microwaves.”

Updated Punchline: “Debris from the latest hurricane caused by global warming.”


Old Joke: “Is your refrigerator running?”

Punchline: “Then you better go catch it!”

Updated Punchline: “That’s good. Did you see the Tupac hologram youtube video I sent you?”


Old Joke: “A priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar…”

Punchline: “…and the Bartender says ‘What is this some kind of joke?'”

Updated Punchline: “…and the Bartender says, ‘good for them, let’s hope they reach some kind of understanding that all humans have the right to express their faiths without fear of violence or retribution for it.'”


Old Joke: “Why is the broom late?”

Punchline: “It over swept.

Updated Punchline: “For some reason, it’s phone must be the only one left on the freaking planet that doesn’t automatically switch the clock for Daylight Saving Time.”


Old Joke: “Why didn’t the alien eat the clown?”

Punchline: “Because he tasted funny.”

Updated Punchline: “Because the History channel’s Ancient Aliens program is the real joke.”

ancient aliens





  1. Pingback: The Three Wise Men | The Jittery Goat
  2. Pingback: Three Heroes Walk Into A Bar | Self-Help for Creatively Deprived

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