Chris Brown’s curbside art is cool

It’s almost always a mistake to make any kind of major decision after 1 am, especially when all you’ve eaten today are mozzarella sticks and brownies (the meal of kings), but I’m prepared to give my opinion about Chris Brown’s curbside art: It’s cool.

Now, let’s be clear, I still think Chris Brown is a literal piece of garbage who is incapable of experiencing even PRE 1997 Skynet levels of self awareness, but that doesn’t mean the knucklehead can’t commission a painting on his property that looks cool. He may have even done it for the dumbest reasons imaginable, the likes of which we can’t even fathom, but it’s still objectively cool. Here is the art in question:


That’s cool. Even cooler? Parents don’t like it. How cool is that? Guess what. It’s been scaring children. Yup, I like it more. I don’t want to judge the children in question, but I can only shake my head at their inability to think this is awesome. If I was a kid, I would be fascinated by these creepy, monster heads. I would spend a lot of time hanging around Chris Brown’s property, just feeling a compulsion to be kinda near to these oddities.

As a kid, I loved oddities. I loved weird stuff. My favorite movie from ages five through ten was Beetlejuice. I watched it hundreds of times on a VHS tape that no longer works. These demonic heads would have been a big part of my life if I were a child living near Chris Brown’s Hollywood Hills home. If there would have been instagram back when I was growing up, I totally would have instagram’d that shit. I would have had an instagram and absolutely no followers and I wouldn’t have cared at all and I definitely would have had this as a picture there.

I hope these kids have nightmares about this art. Good. My nightmares are terrible. They are about people close to me dying and not being able to stop it. Or violence to me or people I love. Or zombies. These are squiggly heads with bloodshot googly eyes and gnarly teeth. I can’t prove it but I bet kids who were frightened by this grow up to be dreamers. I bet they grow up to dream big, and fail every standardized test, and become leaders in their field. I bet people will ask them what the hell it was that made them such out of the box thinkers, and they won’t have the faintest idea. They will have forgotten about the wall and the nightmares and the googly eyes, and even if they could, how would they explain that dimly, vaguely, they just felt like the world wasn’t too big or bad or hopeless to not just paint crazy shit on the walls of it?

I hope instead of painting over the art, Chris Brown is forced to tear down the wall, and its pieces are donated to a local public school, one with lots of impressionable children.

monster face


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