After a long talk with my therapist, Dr. Graham, in which all the pertinent information was discussed, consequences were mapped out, and contingencies were set up, I am ready to announce that Dr. Graham and I feel that I am emotionally and psychically ready to put myself out into the world again, and have it just completely destroy me all over again.
As most of my loved ones and family are well aware, my last relationship did not end well. Dr. Graham and I agree, after months of working through the underlying issues, that the failures of that relationship DO NOT reflect poorly on me as a person but that Linda and I were simply not compatible. Linda, if you’re reading this, I wish you the best, I hope you’re happy in this crazy experiment we call life (I stole that from a comic strip on Dr. Graham’s door) and that whoever you find is deserving of you. Also, if you ever need to talk, like over dinner or something, or if you want to see Star Trek when it comes out, I would be willing to do that. I’m emotionally ready to handle that.
Those last few months were, admittedly, not some of my finest. The incident at Kohl’s was an obvious low point. For the record, I apologized to the staff and offered to pay for ALL of the wedding dresses I damaged (they graciously accepted my offer). That outburst, among a few others, was unacceptable and Dr. Graham and I are now prepared to admit that it stemmed from a place of emotional immaturity on my part. In a way, Linda breaking up with me was the best thing that ever happened to me (although, again, I went ahead and bought two tickets to the Star Trek midnight show so that’s an option for you). It wasn’t until I had to find myself by myself that I was able to isolate the flaws I had been carrying with me for years.
That being said, as many of you have noticed, I am looking a lot better now: I’m eating again, I take showers at regular intervals, I haven’t felt the need to watch an “NCIS” marathon for weeks. I also feel a lot better. Which is why, with the help of Dr. Graham, I have decided to put myself out there into the world.
The world is a truly awful place, that is not disputable. It’s a muddled up disaster filled with a cast of characters that can harden even the most optimistic persons heart. I’m ready to experience all of its misery again. Its trials, its tribulations. I am choosing to view it as a grand adventure (like The Hobbit or Little Miss Sunshine) and not the result of the sickening apathy the Universe has towards the human condition.
Dr. Graham has stressed many times over our sessions that when the next person in my life, whom I couldn’t imagine living without, decides to discard me like a piece of garbage cast away in the trash, that I will behave with dignity and grace. When the next horrible disaster strikes my life and I’m left with nothing, I am ready to be broken down in a healthy way. We’ve been working for months towards that end.
I would like to believe that the training exercises I’ve been doing during my therapy sessions have prepared me for any outcome. I have to say, the flash cards that can be mixed and matched with various disasters that befall even the best of us, are extremely helpful. They illustrate in a powerful way, the sheer randomness of misfortune that can grip a person and seemingly never let up. Death; bankruptcy; terror from within and without; emotional trauma; decapitation (either to you or to a person mere feet away); spree killings; public humiliation; unattainable goals, unattainable love, unattainable material objects; murder for hire plots; the cold, clammy realization that there are no monsters under our beds but in our heads; false imprisonment; government sanctioned torture; meaningless sex that suddenly means something more; creepy clowns; snapping turtles; the unending War on Terror; public rejection; mercury detected at dangerous levels in our children’s playgrounds; the list goes on and on. And I for one, can’t wait to experience all of it. And let it slowly (or as is the case with decapitation: instantaneously) kill me.