Justin Bieber: Stop being an idiot

My relationship with Justin Bieber could be described as “distant” to “nonexistent”. Our interests don’t seem to overlap much and we don’t go to the same parties. Because I follow the news, and sometimes even watch Good Morning America, I’ve always been vaguely aware of what the biebs is up to, though. Most of the time I don’t care, but some of the time I enjoy it in that self-consciously decadent way that I enjoy hearing about Will.i.am’s tribulations. Recently though, Justin Bieber did something that did actually offend me but first a list of things that he’s done that haven’t:

1. Visit the Anne Frank House and made the trip all about him

2. Take his shirt off at a Polish Airport for no apparent reason

3. Throw up on stage

4. Tell a photographer that he would “beat the f*** out of him” (to be fair, the photographer appeared to be trolling the singer)

5. Get caught with a ton of drugs and a stun gun (because why not)

None of these seem particularly interesting or surprising coming from a boy who from the age of 12 has been encouraged to bask in his own greatness. He’s acting like a kid who has been insulated from criticism by a large circle of worshipers and handlers should act. I will say that it is a narrative will get less “Justin what will you do next!” and more “Justin, get help” if he continues on his current path towards self destruction. But leave the little primates out of it.

Impulsive buying of pets is nothing new. People do it every Christmas. Celebrities, having more money than they know what to do with, are particularly susceptible to getting inappropriate and exotic pets, probably for reasons more to do with show and status than care for the animal. That certainly seems the case for Justin Bieber, who made headlines when he bought a baby Capuchin monkey and could be seen (mostly by a torrent of “selfies” he put on his instagram) cradling the adorable little infant. Nobody questioned when the other shoe would drop. Nobody bothered to tell Justin that this new arrangement couldn’t possibly last unless he was willing to make sacrifices that he was obviously not willing to make.

Credit: justinbieber/Instagram

Justin Bieber you dumb idiot Credit: justinbieber/Instagram

So it was that on March 28th, Justin and company (including the baby Capuchin) touched down in Germany as part of his world tour….and the animal was immediately seized for not having the proper papers. You see, bringing animals from one country to another is kind of a big deal. It’s kind of a problem because most people doing so aren’t teen heartthrobs, they’re smugglers trafficking in the lucrative market of exotic pets to foreign buyers with money to burn (so people like teen heartthrobs) and animals are often carriers of diseases that governments and scientists aren’t eager to see spread to untapped regions.

So now Germany’s custom officials have placed the monkey into a German shelter. And while he doesn’t seem to have any interest on getting the Capuchin back, at least Justin Bieber has shown some concern for his former baby (baby, baby, ohhh), or at least his representatives have:

The first email, Brettmeister said, asked how much time Bieber would have to provide the necessary paperwork before Mally would be euthanized. The shelter responded, explaining animals in German shelters were not euthanized.

The second email thanked the shelter and wrote, “Our team is looking into the idea of placing Mally at a zoo in Germany. Would you happen to have any recommendations for places that Mally would be safe and thrive? Again, we are very concerned that Mally is safe and placed in the best possible residence.”

So there you have it. This story ends exactly the way it was destined to. The Capuchin, who was never anything more than a prop for Justin anyway, is left in Germany. Justin has moved on. Apparently, back into the arms of Selena Gomez. And the primate, which served its purpose, is left in the hands of people who shouldn’t have to deal with it.

The only silverlining is that Germany has progressive animal rights laws and have outlawed euthanizing sheltered animals so Justin is spared the heartache of being single-handedly responsible for his pet’s death. Instead, it will probably be given to a zoo or sanctuary where it has at least some chance of living a more Capuchin-y life. But it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. That is why this story bugs me more than the others. Justin Bieber is an idiot but his idiocy should AT LEAST be contained to himself and those who willingly put themselves in his orbit. Leave the little primates out of it. I do have to admit though, if the Capuchin was euthanized,  it would have been interesting to see what his eulogy would have been: “At least the monkey died being a bieleber…”

Author’s note: I refuse to call the Capuchin by Justin Bieber’s name for it “Mally” because Justin Bieber had the creature for less than a month and doesn’t deserve to name someone he cares nothing about.

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