Yesterday, the best thing ever happened. At the Jenadrivah Heritage & Culture Festival in Riyadh in Saudi Arabia’s capital, three United Arab Emirates diplomats were suddenly ejected from the event and subsequently deported from the country. No, New York Post, they weren’t terrorists. Their crime was much worse. As the Arabic language newspaper, Elaph puts it:
“A festival official said the three Emiratis were taken out on the grounds
they are too handsome and that the Commission [for the Promotion of Virtue
and Prevention of Vices] members feared female visitors could fall for
Yep. They were expelled from Saudi Arabia for being too handsome.
Now I for one think this is a great precedent. There has been far too many times that I’ve been trying to enjoy myself at a social function and the night has been ruined by my having been seduced by the allure of one or more sexy guests. It typically starts with furtive glances across a crowded room, followed by a clandestine meet up by the punch bowl, followed by a glass of said punch being thrown in my face, followed by me being politely asked to leave EVEN THOUGH I WAS THE GUEST OF HONOR AND I’VE KNOWN YOU SINCE WE WERE KIDS, followed by me sleeping at a motel, followed by 49 consecutive voicemails left to my girlfriend’s phone at 2 am, followed by a restraining order. It’s no fun for anybody.
So for everyone’s sake and in an effort to be helpful I took the liberty of composing a list of people we MUST deport from this country before I make an ass of myself when I fall in love at first sight. The only reason I didn’t compose this list sooner is that until yesterday I didn’t know you could deport people for being attractive.
Zooey Deschanel is too cute. I don’t mean like “Aw, she’s too cute!” I mean like she has too much cuteness. And it totally works. I buy into her cuteness totally and completely. I watch “New Girl” all the time and I love it. When she says something like “I break for birds” I believe her. I think she does. For my safety and for the safety of those around me she needs to go. They’d probably love her in Japan.
Even ignoring the nasty rumors swirling around the Mad Men star and his, er, assets, Jon Hamm is clearly too handsome for his own good. He’s all funny, self-deprecating, kindhearted and looks great in a suit. He’s every thing that I’m not. Deport him! If I had it my way he would go to the Prison of Azkaban.
Personally, I think Ryan Gosling is overrated. He’s a great actor and sure I’d make out with him (yes, I’m a straight guy), but those two things aren’t particularly remarkable. But we need to get rid of him because I have to live and work in a world where everyone else worships Ryan Gosling and I’m afraid of what might happen if we don’t. Imagine you’re in heart surgery, the doctor turns on the TV (operating rooms have TVs right?) and its “Watch what happens live with Andy Cohen” and Ryan Gosling is getting served mojitos by a half naked bartender and now the doctor has cut a zigzag through your vital organs and won’t even notice until the next commercial break. He has to go. Send him to Canada, they are too infatuated with beards to worship him.
I know. I know. Every person on the planet seems to have an opinion about Jennifer Lawrence! If you think I’m way off base with this one the comment section is down there, buddy! I approach Jennifer Lawrence from a unusual perspective in that I saw “Silverlinings Playbook” (great film) BEFORE I saw her in “The Hunger Games” (eh, it wasn’t terrible). From that angle, I feel like she’s a brilliant actress and I would like to mouth kiss her and also I would probably volunteer as tribute if it meant hanging out with her for a few days before getting brutally murdered by the big kids in District 1. Don’t deport her. Send her to the Hunger Games (wait, the hunger games are real right?).
OldSpice Man Your Man Could Smell Like
Yes, I’m the only person who hasn’t forgotten this guy. He’s a hunk. You people should be ashamed for having given up on this guy after his viral commercials died down and you moved onto whatever else you idiots find on Youtube. Okay, that was actually a pretty great video. Patton Oswalt is incredible. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, Isaiah Mustafa, the “man your man could smell like” and how you totally forgot him because of dumb Youtube videos. lol, Miley is that you? So good. Anyway. I don’t remember where I was going with this. Okay one more: Youtube. Deport Youtube so I can get some work done!