Regarding the Big Announcement I announced

There has been a lot of speculation swirling these past few
weeks about what my “big announcement” was going to be. Some said I was going
to admit taking performance enhancing drugs, others said I was set to guest
star on a 4 episode arc of NBC’s struggling “Community”. While I admit there is
some truth to both of those rumors, the real reason I have decided to make an
announcement is this: After all these years, I am now prepared to admit that I
was D.B. Cooper.

FBI wanted poster for D. B. Cooper

FBI wanted poster for D. B. Cooper (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yes, on a brisk November day in 1971 I boarded a plane
headed to Seattle, Washington and managed to extort $200,000 before
disappearing into the bone chilling and water soaked sky somewhere above
Washington. The insane part was, I had no knowledge of parachuting or even a
basic knowledge of surviving in the outdoors (my parents bought me a Sega
Genesis at a young age) so the odds were stacked against my survival. But
survive I did, but for the help of an unlikely friend whom I will get to in a
second.

First I must address the obvious question, “Jamie, if you
got away with $200,000 dollars why aren’t you living a lifestyle of decadence
like the OTHER millionaires?” Firstly, that type of class warfare is deeply
hurtful and OFFENSIVE to the hundreds of job creators who have literally done
nothing to you other than choose to enlarge their bank accounts at the expense
of providing you with healthcare or livable wages. Secondly, the money wasn’t
for me! I was blackmailed into this insane scheme by a consortium of powerful
and dangerous men (men, because the illuminati wouldn’t vote to include women
for another 20 years). That’s right, the Illuminati, fresh from their
assassination of John F. Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and
Elvis Presley, blackmailed me into stealing money in order to fund an elaborate
cover up of their illegal operations installing various puppet governments in
Southeast Asia.

At the time I was too terrified of the damning information
they had on me to go to the police but time, as they say, heals all wounds so I
will come clean about that here as well. I was involved, romantically and
discreetly, with Elizabeth Taylor while she was still married. A situation that
today would raise few eyebrows but back then was a scandal too dangerous to
deal with head on. It must be said that in God’s eyes perhaps we would be
viewed as adulterous and immoral but surely a love so true, pure, and sweaty,
cannot be wrong? I refuse to live in a world where two cogent and sexually
mature adults can’t lay on top of each other without clothes on and kinda
wiggle around and kinda awkwardly spend most of the time trying to find a
comfortable position and kinda stop half way through because I’m out of shape
and I say I can’t breathe and just give me a second and kinda start wiggling
again and then stop and say it’s not working and kinda turn on the TV and watch
the last 15 minutes of a rerun of MacGuyver. A world where that doesn’t happen
is BULLCRAP.

But as I plunged through that cold and dark November rain
(Gun’s N Roses would later write a song about that November rain, called
“November Rain”) I wasn’t thinking of Liz or even Elvis, I was thinking
something along the lines of “OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUU…” with the last
letters being interrupted by my abrupt and unholy union with the ground. I had
never felt this particular patch of the state of Washington but, with my eyes
still closed, I wondered why it felt furrier than I imagined the ground of
Washington to be. Slowly, I opened them and saw that what I was lying on was
not the ground at all but the belly of a large and alive creature. He shifted
in the sloppy but gentle way Dad used to roll off the couch at 2 am after he
finished watching infomercials and clambered up to the bedroom thinking about a
life wasted. I scrambled off the thing, terrified, but it made no move to
attack. It got to its feet, its two large hairy feet and my eyes widened with
the knowledge that I had just fell onto Big Foot. He (it was a he, I could tell
even in the dim light because you know what they say) walked slowly over to me,
hand outstretched like I was a stray cat. I hissed which is something I do when
I feel threatened. He slowly, gently grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and
carried me back to his den. His family was the first truly modern family I had
ever seen although I didn’t know it at the time. He introduced me to his life
partner, their adopted daughter, his incorrigible old father and his new,
younger wife, and their young son. Also his sister and her, blundering but well
intentioned, husband and their three kids. My eyes were opened that day and I
become a more tolerant person than I had ever been. It was hard to hear when I
later found out they were extreme couponers and had to be killed during the coupon
purges of the 1980s. 

Bradley Cooper at the "Whatever Works&quo...

Pictured: Future “Beret Strangler” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Many people ask why I chose the name “Dan Cooper” as my
alias and the answer isn’t what you’d expect. You see Dan Cooper was a good
friend of mine and fellow time traveler (Oh, I forgot to mention I can
literally travel through wormholes and visit different times and places in
history) and the son of popular actor/director/future notorious spree killer
Bradley Cooper. I chose his name because I liked his work in “Hangover 9: Yep,
we’re still making these things, screw you buy a ticket”.

It took me nearly a week to walk out of the forest I had
jumped into, surviving on nothing but berries, twigs and the foodstuffs I could
scavenge from the various McDonalds’ I passed along the way. I was a different
man than the cocky, arrogant, raconteur that jumped from that plane. When I
finally made it to civilization I vowed to never again take a walk on a crisp
autumn day for granted. Never again would I pass up the chance to just spend a
day laughing in the park with the ones I loved. I WOULD NOT let life’s little
pleasures slip by me while I played video games. So I built a mechanical man
with cameras for eyes to record those things and upload them onto my external
hard drive so that I could later watch them, which I totally intend on doing at
some point after I finished the last few seasons of Breaking Bad.

P.S. UFO’s are real.

Written by Jameson Parker on location at Queen Mary’s Home
for the Criminally Insane but also Hilariously Insane so It’s an Open Question Whether
we are Laughing at them or with them and Therefore Ethically in a Gray Area

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